When I was 9

When I was 9 I met a young man named Justin. He had a great laugh, and a beautiful smile. He was friends with my cousin, and they worked together. He sat with us and chatted for a while.

Fast forward 9 years.....

I went to watch a band play with a few friends. One of the members of the band was interested in my friend. There were two other people in the band as well - a Kurt Cobain look alike, and this man with blue dread locks who looked so familiar to me that I was instantly drawn to him.

I remember his smile, it's imprinted on my brain.

I remember his laugh, I can still hear it ringing in my ears.

After a short lived relationship, we parted ways. We didn't talk to one another, and when we would see each other the only thing passed between us was a glare.

Then we ran into each other at a bar. Apparently liquid courage was all we needed to bridge the huge crater in our friendship. I remember the way his eyes lit up when he saw me. I remember the feel of his arms as he wrapped me into one of his famous hugs. We talked. We laughed. We exchanged phone numbers. From that moment on, our friendship continued to grow.

Now you're gone, and I need to know.....

Does it ever get better? Will the grief ever subside?

The Greiving Process

How do you grieve? I wake up and wonder this everyday. How do you grieve for someone you haven't seen in years?

It's been almost a year since I got the news that shook my world. I hadn't seen him in a few years, but we spoke on Facebook frequently. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. If I did, it meant it was true, and it couldn't be true. "Fatal One Car Crash" read the headline from New York. My breath caught in my chest. How do you deny the truth that is right in front of your face?

For almost a year, I feel like I have been moving in a fog. Nothing seems real. I can feel the distance growing between my husband and I, and I have no idea how to stop it. How do I explain to him how I'm feeling? Would he understand? How do I explain to him that no matter how much I love him, a part of me died in that crash?

There was no closure. I didn't get to attend a funeral to say goodbye. So I've been struggling with these feelings of loss. Sometimes he visits me in my dreams. He tells me he's ok, that he is happy now. That I can let go and be happy for him. So I try, but the grief always comes back. I go about my life, but it's always there. There is no one to talk to about this. Just me.

Some days I wake up and think it was just a bad dream. But the tattoo is there, reminding me of what I lost. What the world lost. His smile, his laugh, his heart. It's all gone.

As I sit in a pool of tears I wonder, how long will it be until I feel normal again?