I really don't know...

 I really don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like everyone would be better off without me.  How do I make my self make sense? How do j turn my feelings back on? How do I stop making myself numb?

Overwhelmed

I am numb.

I'm the pavement and the rain is just bouncing off of me.

I don't remember how to feel anymore.


He's gone.

He is gone, and I'm still here.

The Darkness

The first time I remember feeling inexplicably sad, I was 5. I was walking through the grocery store with my mom, and I was wearing my favorite shorts and tank top. I wasn't misbehaving - I was being good. So I couldn't understand why the stock boy was giving me a funny look. Mom said it's because I was so cute, but I didn't believe her. Kids at school were already making fun of me for my weight. If kids at a catholic school would say mean and hurtful things to me, why wouldn't this person at least think them?

I've been thinking about that shopping trip a lot lately. 

I've struggled with my weight, depression and anxiety my whole life. Right now, it's worse than ever. 

I used to cut myself to make the pain stop-to shut the demons down. It helped, until my mom saw the marks on my wrists. I could always see the pain in her eyes. She didn't know how to help me, and I think that hurt her the most. So I started cutting where she wouldn't see it, but it wasn't the same relief and I always ended up going back to my wrists. 

You see, medication only does so much. I'm married to the man of my dreams, and we have a great little life together. But the darkness is always there. It calls for me like the wolf howls at the moon. Sometimes I can't shake it. 

Unless you struggle with mental illness, I don't think you can ever fully understand what it's like when the darkness takes over. It's hard to understand something you've never had to deal with. I feel like someone else. It's like I'm sitting on the sidelines, watching someone else ruin my life. 

Now, at 30 years old and over 300lbs, I can feel the darkness more than ever. It tickles my feet as I sleep. It pours over my body like the water in a shower. It flows through me like the blood in my veins. And if I let my guard down even just a little, it engulfs me like a wildfire. 

I've spent days crying. Doing everything I can to resist the urges to cut, even just a little. I know it would bring a momentary relief, just like I know my husband would see and I wouldn't be able to stand the look of hurt on his face. So instead I wash the dishes, or take a dip in the pool. 

People like to tell me they understand. Everyone has bad days after all. What they don't understand is this isn't a bad day.  This is my life. This is my struggle. They are always there if I need someone to talk to...until I need someone to talk to. Or maybe it's just me. I can't listen to one more person tell me that, "It'll be ok!" or "It gets better!" or, "If you would just open up and let God in...", or my favorite, "I guess I'm lucky I've never had to deal with that. But I understand."

How do you know it will be ok?

How do you know it will get better?

You know nothing of my relationship with my God.

You understand?

You understand what it feels like, waiting for the other shoe to drop?  

You understand being terrified to leave your house because you might accidentally run into someone you know?

You understand canceling plans because you literally just can't today?  

You understand being so sad that you can't' even manage to take a shower or change your clothes for days or feed yourself?

You understand driving down the road resisting the urge to wrap your car around a tree?

You understand doing everything you can to not do the only think you know that will bring even a little relief?

How could you possibly understand something you've never had to deal with?

Then the sun shines, and the darkness subsides. I smile. I laugh. I have fun. I'm fearless. 

But the darkness is always there.....waiting.....

When I was 9

When I was 9 I met a young man named Justin. He had a great laugh, and a beautiful smile. He was friends with my cousin, and they worked together. He sat with us and chatted for a while.

Fast forward 9 years.....

I went to watch a band play with a few friends. One of the members of the band was interested in my friend. There were two other people in the band as well - a Kurt Cobain look alike, and this man with blue dread locks who looked so familiar to me that I was instantly drawn to him.

I remember his smile, it's imprinted on my brain.

I remember his laugh, I can still hear it ringing in my ears.

After a short lived relationship, we parted ways. We didn't talk to one another, and when we would see each other the only thing passed between us was a glare.

Then we ran into each other at a bar. Apparently liquid courage was all we needed to bridge the huge crater in our friendship. I remember the way his eyes lit up when he saw me. I remember the feel of his arms as he wrapped me into one of his famous hugs. We talked. We laughed. We exchanged phone numbers. From that moment on, our friendship continued to grow.

Now you're gone, and I need to know.....

Does it ever get better? Will the grief ever subside?

The Greiving Process

How do you grieve? I wake up and wonder this everyday. How do you grieve for someone you haven't seen in years?

It's been almost a year since I got the news that shook my world. I hadn't seen him in a few years, but we spoke on Facebook frequently. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. If I did, it meant it was true, and it couldn't be true. "Fatal One Car Crash" read the headline from New York. My breath caught in my chest. How do you deny the truth that is right in front of your face?

For almost a year, I feel like I have been moving in a fog. Nothing seems real. I can feel the distance growing between my husband and I, and I have no idea how to stop it. How do I explain to him how I'm feeling? Would he understand? How do I explain to him that no matter how much I love him, a part of me died in that crash?

There was no closure. I didn't get to attend a funeral to say goodbye. So I've been struggling with these feelings of loss. Sometimes he visits me in my dreams. He tells me he's ok, that he is happy now. That I can let go and be happy for him. So I try, but the grief always comes back. I go about my life, but it's always there. There is no one to talk to about this. Just me.

Some days I wake up and think it was just a bad dream. But the tattoo is there, reminding me of what I lost. What the world lost. His smile, his laugh, his heart. It's all gone.

As I sit in a pool of tears I wonder, how long will it be until I feel normal again?

Disappointment...

I hate where our life has taken us. After a year of living in the same shitty house, we moved out. Between rent and Nipsco, we didn't have money for anything else. So we moved in with my dad to save money. I had a job I loved, and we were able to pay most of our bills on time. But then the store I was working at closed.

I am now a married 26 year old woman who lives with her dad, and works a job I HATE. The best part about my job is I get a discount if I take my animals there. I'm miserable. I feel lost, and I feel like I am drowning in my sorrows. I know there are so many bigger, more important things to worry about, but this is my life. I went from working ALL THE TIME to hardly ever working. When I do work, it's for 2-3 hours tops. I got my first check today. I made 150 for THREE WEEKS of work. Three weeks of work and I can't even pay my car payment. I feel like a disappointment to myself, to my husband, and to my family. I have no education, and an awful job where I literally clean up poop. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. I have no direction.

 I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to give it to God and let him handle it. I know He will in His own time. However, until He does, I am miserable and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I just need a hug? Maybe I just need someone to sit and listen to me ramble and "douche" it up just so I can get it out? I don't know. But I'm always open to hugs......

Judgement

I've been through a lot in my life. More than most people my age. I have been beaten physically, emotionally and mentally by people that were supposed to love me. At the end of it all, I'm still standing. No matter what life, and the ignorant people I share this earth with throw at me, I'm still standing. Through it all. I have never been made to feel like a bigger piece of shit until today. Again, by people that "love" me. I have been judged for my race. Pick one of them. I've been judged for it. I've been judged for being "fat". That's OK God loves me just like this. I've been judged for my tattoos, my piercings, my attitude, mistakes I've made, and words I've said. I have never been made to feel like such a piece of shit for something I can NOT control. Just because I am not able to reproduce does not make me a "lesser being" nor does it give ANYBODY the right to make me feel inferrior. I have wanted children since before I knew where they came from. Trust me when I say, I feel like shit enough the way it is.

What makes me feel worse, is seeing the looking on my husbands face when he finds out that people that are supposed to love him, can't even bother to tell him they are in town. That look literally makes my heart crumble. Family has always been important to me. Right now I wish we lived a million miles away from everyone in our families.