I really don't know...

 I really don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like everyone would be better off without me.  How do I make my self make sense? How do j turn my feelings back on? How do I stop making myself numb?

Overwhelmed

I am numb.

I'm the pavement and the rain is just bouncing off of me.

I don't remember how to feel anymore.


He's gone.

He is gone, and I'm still here.

The Darkness

The first time I remember feeling inexplicably sad, I was 5. I was walking through the grocery store with my mom, and I was wearing my favorite shorts and tank top. I wasn't misbehaving - I was being good. So I couldn't understand why the stock boy was giving me a funny look. Mom said it's because I was so cute, but I didn't believe her. Kids at school were already making fun of me for my weight. If kids at a catholic school would say mean and hurtful things to me, why wouldn't this person at least think them?

I've been thinking about that shopping trip a lot lately. 

I've struggled with my weight, depression and anxiety my whole life. Right now, it's worse than ever. 

I used to cut myself to make the pain stop-to shut the demons down. It helped, until my mom saw the marks on my wrists. I could always see the pain in her eyes. She didn't know how to help me, and I think that hurt her the most. So I started cutting where she wouldn't see it, but it wasn't the same relief and I always ended up going back to my wrists. 

You see, medication only does so much. I'm married to the man of my dreams, and we have a great little life together. But the darkness is always there. It calls for me like the wolf howls at the moon. Sometimes I can't shake it. 

Unless you struggle with mental illness, I don't think you can ever fully understand what it's like when the darkness takes over. It's hard to understand something you've never had to deal with. I feel like someone else. It's like I'm sitting on the sidelines, watching someone else ruin my life. 

Now, at 30 years old and over 300lbs, I can feel the darkness more than ever. It tickles my feet as I sleep. It pours over my body like the water in a shower. It flows through me like the blood in my veins. And if I let my guard down even just a little, it engulfs me like a wildfire. 

I've spent days crying. Doing everything I can to resist the urges to cut, even just a little. I know it would bring a momentary relief, just like I know my husband would see and I wouldn't be able to stand the look of hurt on his face. So instead I wash the dishes, or take a dip in the pool. 

People like to tell me they understand. Everyone has bad days after all. What they don't understand is this isn't a bad day.  This is my life. This is my struggle. They are always there if I need someone to talk to...until I need someone to talk to. Or maybe it's just me. I can't listen to one more person tell me that, "It'll be ok!" or "It gets better!" or, "If you would just open up and let God in...", or my favorite, "I guess I'm lucky I've never had to deal with that. But I understand."

How do you know it will be ok?

How do you know it will get better?

You know nothing of my relationship with my God.

You understand?

You understand what it feels like, waiting for the other shoe to drop?  

You understand being terrified to leave your house because you might accidentally run into someone you know?

You understand canceling plans because you literally just can't today?  

You understand being so sad that you can't' even manage to take a shower or change your clothes for days or feed yourself?

You understand driving down the road resisting the urge to wrap your car around a tree?

You understand doing everything you can to not do the only think you know that will bring even a little relief?

How could you possibly understand something you've never had to deal with?

Then the sun shines, and the darkness subsides. I smile. I laugh. I have fun. I'm fearless. 

But the darkness is always there.....waiting.....

When I was 9

When I was 9 I met a young man named Justin. He had a great laugh, and a beautiful smile. He was friends with my cousin, and they worked together. He sat with us and chatted for a while.

Fast forward 9 years.....

I went to watch a band play with a few friends. One of the members of the band was interested in my friend. There were two other people in the band as well - a Kurt Cobain look alike, and this man with blue dread locks who looked so familiar to me that I was instantly drawn to him.

I remember his smile, it's imprinted on my brain.

I remember his laugh, I can still hear it ringing in my ears.

After a short lived relationship, we parted ways. We didn't talk to one another, and when we would see each other the only thing passed between us was a glare.

Then we ran into each other at a bar. Apparently liquid courage was all we needed to bridge the huge crater in our friendship. I remember the way his eyes lit up when he saw me. I remember the feel of his arms as he wrapped me into one of his famous hugs. We talked. We laughed. We exchanged phone numbers. From that moment on, our friendship continued to grow.

Now you're gone, and I need to know.....

Does it ever get better? Will the grief ever subside?

The Greiving Process

How do you grieve? I wake up and wonder this everyday. How do you grieve for someone you haven't seen in years?

It's been almost a year since I got the news that shook my world. I hadn't seen him in a few years, but we spoke on Facebook frequently. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. If I did, it meant it was true, and it couldn't be true. "Fatal One Car Crash" read the headline from New York. My breath caught in my chest. How do you deny the truth that is right in front of your face?

For almost a year, I feel like I have been moving in a fog. Nothing seems real. I can feel the distance growing between my husband and I, and I have no idea how to stop it. How do I explain to him how I'm feeling? Would he understand? How do I explain to him that no matter how much I love him, a part of me died in that crash?

There was no closure. I didn't get to attend a funeral to say goodbye. So I've been struggling with these feelings of loss. Sometimes he visits me in my dreams. He tells me he's ok, that he is happy now. That I can let go and be happy for him. So I try, but the grief always comes back. I go about my life, but it's always there. There is no one to talk to about this. Just me.

Some days I wake up and think it was just a bad dream. But the tattoo is there, reminding me of what I lost. What the world lost. His smile, his laugh, his heart. It's all gone.

As I sit in a pool of tears I wonder, how long will it be until I feel normal again?

Disappointment...

I hate where our life has taken us. After a year of living in the same shitty house, we moved out. Between rent and Nipsco, we didn't have money for anything else. So we moved in with my dad to save money. I had a job I loved, and we were able to pay most of our bills on time. But then the store I was working at closed.

I am now a married 26 year old woman who lives with her dad, and works a job I HATE. The best part about my job is I get a discount if I take my animals there. I'm miserable. I feel lost, and I feel like I am drowning in my sorrows. I know there are so many bigger, more important things to worry about, but this is my life. I went from working ALL THE TIME to hardly ever working. When I do work, it's for 2-3 hours tops. I got my first check today. I made 150 for THREE WEEKS of work. Three weeks of work and I can't even pay my car payment. I feel like a disappointment to myself, to my husband, and to my family. I have no education, and an awful job where I literally clean up poop. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. I have no direction.

 I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to give it to God and let him handle it. I know He will in His own time. However, until He does, I am miserable and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I just need a hug? Maybe I just need someone to sit and listen to me ramble and "douche" it up just so I can get it out? I don't know. But I'm always open to hugs......

Judgement

I've been through a lot in my life. More than most people my age. I have been beaten physically, emotionally and mentally by people that were supposed to love me. At the end of it all, I'm still standing. No matter what life, and the ignorant people I share this earth with throw at me, I'm still standing. Through it all. I have never been made to feel like a bigger piece of shit until today. Again, by people that "love" me. I have been judged for my race. Pick one of them. I've been judged for it. I've been judged for being "fat". That's OK God loves me just like this. I've been judged for my tattoos, my piercings, my attitude, mistakes I've made, and words I've said. I have never been made to feel like such a piece of shit for something I can NOT control. Just because I am not able to reproduce does not make me a "lesser being" nor does it give ANYBODY the right to make me feel inferrior. I have wanted children since before I knew where they came from. Trust me when I say, I feel like shit enough the way it is.

What makes me feel worse, is seeing the looking on my husbands face when he finds out that people that are supposed to love him, can't even bother to tell him they are in town. That look literally makes my heart crumble. Family has always been important to me. Right now I wish we lived a million miles away from everyone in our families.

Eternally alone.

Do you think I enjoy this? That I like being grumpy and pushing everyone away? It's all I know how to do. I injured and no one seems to get that. The fact that it is only a chance, does not make it any better. Sorry that I am not all unicorns and rainbows the day before we find out. The fact that there is a CHANCE I can't have something I have wanted and dreamed about since I was 5, it's very depressing to me. I'm sorry that you don't understand. I'm sorry that you don't feel the same. I'm sorry that you don't really seem to care at all. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my nose. I could understand not worrying if it was a small chance. This is a BIG chance, not one in a million. The though literally makes me stop breathing. I feel my heart drop to the floor, and my eyes well up with tears. But you don't care. I don't even know where you are. Oh wait, there you are. Reading a book in another room, while I type and cry furiously-by myself.

Lonely

It's 3:00am. 11-18-12

There is nothing moving in the house. 
There are no feelings in my body but sadness.
In the distance, I hear the lonely sound of a train.
I wish I were on that train.
Taking me far away from my problems for just a little bit.
I'm so lost I feel like I can not breathe.
But I am not on that train.
I'm sitting in my living room.
Alone.
Listening to the lonely train go by.

The "F" Word

The "F" word. To some people it is a four letter word that ends with "uck". To me, it is a 7 letter word. FAILURE. I hate the word. However it seems to fit the scene...



I have never felt like a bigger "failure" then I do today. I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have today.

Back in September I got promoted to supervisor at work. I have done EVERYTHING my boss has asked me to do and more. I have dealt with his mood swings with out complaint. I have clocked in and out according to the time on my phone.

Today, I was demoted. DEMOTED. Another word I hate. I was told there have been too many problems. Keep in mind everyone that works there is 50+ years old. There is only one person younger than myself. No one wants to answer to someone younger than them. I have been as nice as possible to everyone. I have been helpful and done EVERYTHING my boss asked me to do. He accused me of ghost employment. Funny thing is, I NEVER left the building unless it was the end of the night, or my lunch break. I can not wrap my mind about what happened. All I know is my husband and I screwed now.

I feel like I have let everyone down. I feel like a loser. Like a failure.

Lost In A Sea of Faces....

It's been a while since I have blogged. Things have been pretty crazy for me. I'm going back to school, my mom is living with my husband and I, plus I just got promoted at work. As you can imagine, things have been crazy. Good, but crazy.

Last night I asked my mother a question, and got a truthful answer. An answer I didn't like, but an honest one none the less. However, now, I am thinking of asking her to move out to put it nicely. I have supported and walked with my mom through hell and high water. I can't do it anymore. The strain her living here has put on my marriage, is unreal. My husband has wanted her gone for a while, but I'm her daughter. How do I pick between the woman you gave me life, and the man who completed my life? I couldn't. I still don't think I can. She is my mom. We have been together through thick and thin. I know when I "Ask her to leave", that we won't be speaking for a while. There are things that need to be said, that won't be taken well, by both parties involved. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm mad, sad and angry. Mostly though, I'm hurt. We, (my husband and I) put ourselves out for her. We went out of our way to make sure she had a roof over her head, and this is how she repays us? Forget repaying us actually. We don't want anything in return but really? We get you out of a shitty situation and you just go right back to it? Talk about a slap in the face! Not to mention the fact that you have been everything BUT grateful since you moved in! You started complaining before we had even moved your things in! I'm so......ugh! I don't even know what I am feeling.

I'm lost. I'm fighting voices in my head, I never thought I would hear again. I feel like a failure. Like a horrible daughter. I keep saying it over and over again in my head. "Am I really doing this to her? My mom?". I feel like I'm lost in a sea of faces....

I hope someone can find me.

Break downs and school...

I suffer from an invisible illness. Around the age of 16 I was diagnosed with manic depression, border line bipolar. I was then put on an anti depressant. Around the age of 19 my then boyfriend convinced me to get weened off my medication. I have been UN-medicated every since. I am now 25.

If you spend enough time around me, you will notice my moods fluctuate. For the most part, I handle it pretty well. Until recently that is...

The other day, I had the worst breakdown I have ever had. I've been in a very good mood lately, so it only makes sense that I would come crashing down. I'm trying to focus on the good things in life, and not on Wednesday. I recently decided to go back to school. I was able to get funding and I start on Monday. I'll be getting my associates degree in human services. So things are going really well for me. Ever since Wednesday though, my nerves are completely shot, and the littlest thing makes me nervous. Even going to work.

Everything was going fine on Wednesday and then BOOM!! It all went to hell. I was screaming, crying, throwing things, kicking doors open. I couldn't hold still. I couldn't stop pacing the house. It hit hard, fierce and very suddenly. Then all at once, it went away and I was left with the after math. My dogs were terrified of me, my husband was scared for me and mad at me, and I felt like shit. I couldn't stop crying and apologizing. I didn't know what had happened. Thankfully, my husband is amazing, and understood. We called our family doctor and I have an appointment on Monday to see about getting put back on my medication.

I'm also nervous about getting put back on it. Before, if i didn't get a refill in time and ran out, I experienced horrible with drawl symptoms. That is something I do not want to go through again. I know getting back on them is what is best, but it still scares me.

I'm hoping and praying for the best, and trying to focus only on the good. Hopefully my nerves will heal, and I'll stops being so jumpy and jittery.

STILL waiting...

Social Security Administration....ugh.

I got married 6 months ago. I have yet to officially take my husbands last name! I have applied twice for my new social security card. I have yet to receive my marriage license and a receipt for the last time. I hope I never have to deal with SSA again. This is very frustrating....

Really?

What ever happened to being honest or saying Thank you? It seems like these two ideas have been lost in society. Why is it so hard to be honest, and us your manners? Was I the only one brought up that way?

I have a tattoo across my chest that reads, "No Lies, Just Love". I am not perfect and yes I do lie from time to time. However, when I say "I miss you!!!" I mean it. I'm not just saying it to say it. If you do not miss me, do not say you do. Actions speak louder then words folks. If you can't make time for me, that's fine. If you don't miss me, that's fine too. But when you know I'm coming to see you, and you wait until the last minute to say you won't be home you've made other plans, that is when I get pissed. (Also hurt...mostly hurt actually.)

Thank you works the same way. When I show concern for you or your family, say thank you. Don't just go on about how it's fine and then hang up. The world is falling apart, can't we keep manners?
Would you like a glass of tea? "No THANK YOU!"
"Do you want me to turn around and check on them?" "No I'm sure they are fine. THANK YOU for offering though!"
It's not that hard people.

Still Waiting....

Social Security Administration. UGH! I am still waiting to OFFICIALLY take my husband's last name. We got married in October. This is partly my fault. About a week after our wedding I had surgery and was laid up for a while. So I didn't get the forms turned in right away. However, I did turn them in. I am still waiting on my new SS Card. I really do not like calling offices and getting automated messages. I would much rather talk to an employee. Hopefully I can find out where my card is today.

This weekend we are going to see my in-laws! I'm very excited about that! We haven't been up there since Christmas and I miss them. I LOVE my in-laws. I got lucky and got some great ones! Then Sunday we are going to see my mom and pick up my "new" car. I'm also very excited about that! Not only do I get a car, but I get to see my mommy too! I miss being able to drive myself places. That is a freedom I have always enjoyed. There is nothing like blaring my music and having the wind blow through my hair! I can't wait to have that back.

I'm still waiting to officially take my new last name, and still waiting for a car but over all, things are pretty awesome. And even if they aren't, oh well. ;)

Too Thin?

Do you ever feel like you've taken too much on? Like you are stretching yourself too thin? Have you ever felt upset, sad or angry and you don't know why? This is how I have been feeling since yesterday. I'm crying for no reason and then getting super pissed off. (again for no reason.) Sometimes it just feels like I have no control over anything in my life. I try turning to God for guidance but I'm still new at that. Sometimes I just need someone to hold me and let me cry. Rub my back and tell me everything will be OK-even if you do not know. This is where my husband comes in...but he's a guy. Let's face it, they aren't the greatest at picking up on emotions, and I don't feel right saying "just hold me and tell me it'll be ok".

My mom is trying to move back to my home town. I'm trying to help her find an apartment and a job. I do this because I love her. She has done anything and everything she could do to make sure I had a good life. Why not help her? I'm going to talk to my landlord today to see if he has any openings, close to me, that would be good for her.

Between helping my mom and dealing with the bull shit going on at work, it's hard to focus on anything else. I'm trying though. I'm trying to stay positive and up beat. I'm trying to learn how to lean on God and trust that He will see me through it.


Wish me luck............

Happy Friday!

My mom is coming to visit today! We've got big plans! We are going to lunch, and going to get our hair done! I'm going from a brunette to a red head! wow! I'm kind of nervous now. My mom thinks it will looks stupid but I've wanted to get it done for a while, so I'm going to. If I look stupid, oh well. It's just hair. I can always dye it back.

I also found out this morning that my brother and his wife were at the hospital early this morning! My niece was brought into the world early. Baby and mom are both doing really well. I've only gotten to see pictures so far but she is B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L and I love her already! I can't wait to hold her in my arms and shower her with love for the rest of my life!

What a wonderful day this is going to be!

Happy Friday!

Family, Friends and Tears...

Yesterday was a very busy day! My husband woke  me up to tell me his mom and nephews were coming to see us! I was excited about that! I love his family! His mom brought us lunch and we all just hung out and talked. It was a very lovely afternoon with loved ones.

Then, we had to go to a funeral. This was, of course, very sad. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. However, the service was all in Spanish so we didn't understand anything. I was amazed by just how many cars there were. Even more amazing was the amount of people that filled those cars. The church was PACKED. She really did touch the lives of so many people. It was nice to see them all come out to say their final goodbyes, but still very sad. We followed the funeral procession. There were a handful of cars that pulled off to the side of the road and waited for us to pass. Very respectful and touching. Unfortunately we could not follow them all the way to the burial site. At least I was able to say goodbye.

After the funeral, we ran home so I could change. Then it was off my sister-in-laws baby shower! That was a lot of fun! We played some games, had dinner and cake. She got a lot of stuff as well! I can't wait to meet my niece! Just a couple more weeks and she will be here! I have that day off work and everything! She will be born via c-section so I can do that this time.

After the baby shower, my mom came back to my house with me. She told me a little more about what is going on with her. There were a lot of tears shed then. Like I previously said, I do not feel right talking about her business so that is as much as I will say. I'm really hoping things start getting better for her. It's hard to stay hopeful knowing what I know, but I just want what is best for her. She told me not to worry about her. That is not going to happen. Not only is my mom...well...my mom, she is also my best friend aside from my husband. OF COURSE I'm going to worry about her! Hopefully she will realize soon that she is a beautiful, intelligent and strong woman. Until then, I'll be here to remind her.

Today was a lazy day and it was very nice after the go go go of yesterday. My husband let me sleep until about 12:30. I really needed the extra sleep. Then we just watched DVDs and took a nap later in the afternoon. He is working for four hours tonight so I am home alone now. I'm very thankful that we got to spend so much time together today. That was defiantly what I needed after the week we've had.

Back to work tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers for a drama free night. If I can avoid certain people this should not be a problem.

Death, a little Life, and Love.

What a stress filled day today! In general, this week, it just seems like every day I wake up, there is something new to worry about.

A very close family friend died this week. Valentine's day to be exact. I have known this woman my whole life. Literally.  You would never know she had a bad day. She always had a huge smile on her face, and big hugs for everyone. The last time I saw her was in October at my wedding. She was so happy for me, and she seemed fine. I guess a lot can happen in a few months. Her viewing was today and sadly I couldn't go. I had to work, plus I don't have a vehicle and couldn't find a ride. Tomorrow is her funeral. (I also have a baby shower to go to tomorrow. From one extreme to the next!)  I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she is gone. I can't even BEGIN to imagine how her family is feeling. I don't think there was a single person, EVER, who could have met this lady and not loved her. She really was a gem, and she will TRULY be missed. 

Aside from her death, it's mostly been the normal things stressing me out. Bills, the lack of money to pay them, things at work,...you know, the normal stuff. However, my mom called with some pretty upsetting news this morning...Well, text is more like it. Although I would like to discuss it, I don't feel right writing about other people's  business. One major thing to keep in mind...My mom and I are very close. I tell her everything and we confide in each other on a regular basis. So, when I hurt, she hurts. When she hurts, I hurt. I haven't stopped hurting for her since she told me the news. Don't worry, she isn't dying or anything, things just aren't going well for her. I wish I could be there to comforter her but she lives an hour and a half away from me. I know she knows I care and that I am just a phone call away, but as far as I'm concerned, that isn't good enough. She used to lay in my bed with me and hold me as I cried. No matter what it was about. I wish I could be there to do the same for her. (Mom, if you read this, I love you.)

My husband is working over tonight. I hate being home alone. Especially when I'm feeling the way I do today. He seems to like his new job pretty well though, and it pays good too. I miss him when he leaves everyday, and worry about him until he is home in my arms again. He seems to be working over a lot recently. Any normal girl would think she was being cheated on. I won't say that thought hasn't crossed my mind. I'd be lying if I did. However, I trust my husband. He would never do anything to hurt me intentionally in anyway, shape or form. He loves me. I love him. He is my missing puzzle piece and I am his. Things moved rather quickly between us, but when you know, you know. Why wait? All I know, is that when I said I do, I meant it with every fiber in my being.

In this day and age it seems like people think of marriage as something temporary. Everyday, more and more people get divorced. Another thing I can't wrap my mind around. How can you take that vow and break it so quickly over something stupid like the other person deleting a show from the DVR? Society baffles me and I doubt I will ever understand. How can you just toss someone, that you have devoted your life to, off to the side like a piece of trash? If you love someone one day, how can you turn around and fall out of love the next? It shouldn't be that easy. If it is, I doubt you ever loved them to begin with.

Explanation....

*****I've started this blog as a way to get my thoughts out. I'm not here to get sympathy, or advice. This is simply an outlet. I'm not here to inspire. This is simply an outlet. Yes, I've said that a lot, but I need to make it clear. THIS IS ONLY AN OUTLET!*****

I'm 25 years old. Recently married the man of my dreams. No kids. Just a dog and a cat. I work for the county as a housekeeper. This is not exactly how I thought my life would go. I figured I would graduate from high school, attend a great college, and graduate with a major in photography. Then, I would go places. Travel a little and see the world a bit.  From there I would open my own studio and spend the rest of my life doing the thing I love. 

Well, I didn't graduate high school. I got my GED a few years later. I have not attended college, nor do I have plans to do so anytime soon. I moved to Arizona a few years ago. Again, things did not go as planned. I bounced from place to place until I finally tucked my tail between my legs and came home. It's amazing how much I missed it here.  Shortly after moving back I got a job and ran into my now husband. (more on him and our story later.)

Honestly, 4 out of 7 days, my life is great. I have an amazing, devoted husband who loves me just the way I am. He would do anything for me. He's seen me at my worst and still loves me. I am forever grateful that God brought him into my life again.  I have my dog who is very attached to me, and I have my cat who loves me but keeps his distance, really only wanting to cuddle when I'm upset, which is fine with me. I also have my mom. A beautiful women who lights up the room when she walks in. She has seen her share of tough times, and has kept going. When things get tough for me, she is my inspiration to keep going. She is by far the greatest woman I have ever met.  I could not dream of a better mom. Yes, like any of us, she has made mistakes, but she always owns up to them and makes them right. She is beautiful inside and out, but she will never admit it. My father is a part of my life, but we don't get a long very well. He's never been very supportive. He is very controlling. Even now, at 25, he tries to control my life.  He and my mother never really had a good marriage. They fought most of my childhood. He was abusive to her in the beginning, and to us kids in the end. My mother finally left him two weeks after I moved to Arizona. I was 22 when I moved there. I am the youngest of three kids. My brother is the oldest. We are almost exactly alike.  He is married with a son who is 5.  His daughter will be born in about two weeks and I couldn't be more excited.  My sister lives in Arizona. She is not married. She does not have kids. We do not get along very well.

Outside of my husband and mother, I have two friends. Both are co-workers. (I use the term "friend" lightly. These are just the two I see on a regular basis) I've been burned a lot as far as friendships go. I keep my inner circle small for a reason. I'm also a very awkward person when we first meet. I'm always worried that I'll say the wrong thing and blow it. Which usually does end up happening. Sure I have about 100 friends on Facebook, but how often do I see those people? Answer, not very. Like I said, I've suffered a lot of hurt and disappointment in the friendship chapters of my life. I'm the person that is always there for everyone, but when I need someone, there is no one around. I'm sure you can imagine, this gets very lonely. I can't just call someone up and say "Hey let's go shopping!" I have to plan this out months ahead of time. Even then, I usually end up going alone. I understand though. People are busy and most of my "friends" have kids as well. However, even though I do understand, it still gets lonely.

All in all, my life really isn't that bad. I can't complain about what I don't have, and I can't complain about what I DO have. Sure, I wish certain things were different, like the friend thing, but in the end, would it really make a difference?