Disappointment...

I hate where our life has taken us. After a year of living in the same shitty house, we moved out. Between rent and Nipsco, we didn't have money for anything else. So we moved in with my dad to save money. I had a job I loved, and we were able to pay most of our bills on time. But then the store I was working at closed.

I am now a married 26 year old woman who lives with her dad, and works a job I HATE. The best part about my job is I get a discount if I take my animals there. I'm miserable. I feel lost, and I feel like I am drowning in my sorrows. I know there are so many bigger, more important things to worry about, but this is my life. I went from working ALL THE TIME to hardly ever working. When I do work, it's for 2-3 hours tops. I got my first check today. I made 150 for THREE WEEKS of work. Three weeks of work and I can't even pay my car payment. I feel like a disappointment to myself, to my husband, and to my family. I have no education, and an awful job where I literally clean up poop. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. I have no direction.

 I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to give it to God and let him handle it. I know He will in His own time. However, until He does, I am miserable and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I just need a hug? Maybe I just need someone to sit and listen to me ramble and "douche" it up just so I can get it out? I don't know. But I'm always open to hugs......

Judgement

I've been through a lot in my life. More than most people my age. I have been beaten physically, emotionally and mentally by people that were supposed to love me. At the end of it all, I'm still standing. No matter what life, and the ignorant people I share this earth with throw at me, I'm still standing. Through it all. I have never been made to feel like a bigger piece of shit until today. Again, by people that "love" me. I have been judged for my race. Pick one of them. I've been judged for it. I've been judged for being "fat". That's OK God loves me just like this. I've been judged for my tattoos, my piercings, my attitude, mistakes I've made, and words I've said. I have never been made to feel like such a piece of shit for something I can NOT control. Just because I am not able to reproduce does not make me a "lesser being" nor does it give ANYBODY the right to make me feel inferrior. I have wanted children since before I knew where they came from. Trust me when I say, I feel like shit enough the way it is.

What makes me feel worse, is seeing the looking on my husbands face when he finds out that people that are supposed to love him, can't even bother to tell him they are in town. That look literally makes my heart crumble. Family has always been important to me. Right now I wish we lived a million miles away from everyone in our families.

Eternally alone.

Do you think I enjoy this? That I like being grumpy and pushing everyone away? It's all I know how to do. I injured and no one seems to get that. The fact that it is only a chance, does not make it any better. Sorry that I am not all unicorns and rainbows the day before we find out. The fact that there is a CHANCE I can't have something I have wanted and dreamed about since I was 5, it's very depressing to me. I'm sorry that you don't understand. I'm sorry that you don't feel the same. I'm sorry that you don't really seem to care at all. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my nose. I could understand not worrying if it was a small chance. This is a BIG chance, not one in a million. The though literally makes me stop breathing. I feel my heart drop to the floor, and my eyes well up with tears. But you don't care. I don't even know where you are. Oh wait, there you are. Reading a book in another room, while I type and cry furiously-by myself.