The Greiving Process

How do you grieve? I wake up and wonder this everyday. How do you grieve for someone you haven't seen in years?

It's been almost a year since I got the news that shook my world. I hadn't seen him in a few years, but we spoke on Facebook frequently. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. If I did, it meant it was true, and it couldn't be true. "Fatal One Car Crash" read the headline from New York. My breath caught in my chest. How do you deny the truth that is right in front of your face?

For almost a year, I feel like I have been moving in a fog. Nothing seems real. I can feel the distance growing between my husband and I, and I have no idea how to stop it. How do I explain to him how I'm feeling? Would he understand? How do I explain to him that no matter how much I love him, a part of me died in that crash?

There was no closure. I didn't get to attend a funeral to say goodbye. So I've been struggling with these feelings of loss. Sometimes he visits me in my dreams. He tells me he's ok, that he is happy now. That I can let go and be happy for him. So I try, but the grief always comes back. I go about my life, but it's always there. There is no one to talk to about this. Just me.

Some days I wake up and think it was just a bad dream. But the tattoo is there, reminding me of what I lost. What the world lost. His smile, his laugh, his heart. It's all gone.

As I sit in a pool of tears I wonder, how long will it be until I feel normal again?

Disappointment...

I hate where our life has taken us. After a year of living in the same shitty house, we moved out. Between rent and Nipsco, we didn't have money for anything else. So we moved in with my dad to save money. I had a job I loved, and we were able to pay most of our bills on time. But then the store I was working at closed.

I am now a married 26 year old woman who lives with her dad, and works a job I HATE. The best part about my job is I get a discount if I take my animals there. I'm miserable. I feel lost, and I feel like I am drowning in my sorrows. I know there are so many bigger, more important things to worry about, but this is my life. I went from working ALL THE TIME to hardly ever working. When I do work, it's for 2-3 hours tops. I got my first check today. I made 150 for THREE WEEKS of work. Three weeks of work and I can't even pay my car payment. I feel like a disappointment to myself, to my husband, and to my family. I have no education, and an awful job where I literally clean up poop. I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. I have no direction.

 I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to give it to God and let him handle it. I know He will in His own time. However, until He does, I am miserable and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe I just need a hug? Maybe I just need someone to sit and listen to me ramble and "douche" it up just so I can get it out? I don't know. But I'm always open to hugs......

Judgement

I've been through a lot in my life. More than most people my age. I have been beaten physically, emotionally and mentally by people that were supposed to love me. At the end of it all, I'm still standing. No matter what life, and the ignorant people I share this earth with throw at me, I'm still standing. Through it all. I have never been made to feel like a bigger piece of shit until today. Again, by people that "love" me. I have been judged for my race. Pick one of them. I've been judged for it. I've been judged for being "fat". That's OK God loves me just like this. I've been judged for my tattoos, my piercings, my attitude, mistakes I've made, and words I've said. I have never been made to feel like such a piece of shit for something I can NOT control. Just because I am not able to reproduce does not make me a "lesser being" nor does it give ANYBODY the right to make me feel inferrior. I have wanted children since before I knew where they came from. Trust me when I say, I feel like shit enough the way it is.

What makes me feel worse, is seeing the looking on my husbands face when he finds out that people that are supposed to love him, can't even bother to tell him they are in town. That look literally makes my heart crumble. Family has always been important to me. Right now I wish we lived a million miles away from everyone in our families.

Eternally alone.

Do you think I enjoy this? That I like being grumpy and pushing everyone away? It's all I know how to do. I injured and no one seems to get that. The fact that it is only a chance, does not make it any better. Sorry that I am not all unicorns and rainbows the day before we find out. The fact that there is a CHANCE I can't have something I have wanted and dreamed about since I was 5, it's very depressing to me. I'm sorry that you don't understand. I'm sorry that you don't feel the same. I'm sorry that you don't really seem to care at all. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my nose. I could understand not worrying if it was a small chance. This is a BIG chance, not one in a million. The though literally makes me stop breathing. I feel my heart drop to the floor, and my eyes well up with tears. But you don't care. I don't even know where you are. Oh wait, there you are. Reading a book in another room, while I type and cry furiously-by myself.

Lonely

It's 3:00am. 11-18-12

There is nothing moving in the house. 
There are no feelings in my body but sadness.
In the distance, I hear the lonely sound of a train.
I wish I were on that train.
Taking me far away from my problems for just a little bit.
I'm so lost I feel like I can not breathe.
But I am not on that train.
I'm sitting in my living room.
Alone.
Listening to the lonely train go by.

The "F" Word

The "F" word. To some people it is a four letter word that ends with "uck". To me, it is a 7 letter word. FAILURE. I hate the word. However it seems to fit the scene...



I have never felt like a bigger "failure" then I do today. I don't think I have ever cried as much as I have today.

Back in September I got promoted to supervisor at work. I have done EVERYTHING my boss has asked me to do and more. I have dealt with his mood swings with out complaint. I have clocked in and out according to the time on my phone.

Today, I was demoted. DEMOTED. Another word I hate. I was told there have been too many problems. Keep in mind everyone that works there is 50+ years old. There is only one person younger than myself. No one wants to answer to someone younger than them. I have been as nice as possible to everyone. I have been helpful and done EVERYTHING my boss asked me to do. He accused me of ghost employment. Funny thing is, I NEVER left the building unless it was the end of the night, or my lunch break. I can not wrap my mind about what happened. All I know is my husband and I screwed now.

I feel like I have let everyone down. I feel like a loser. Like a failure.

Lost In A Sea of Faces....

It's been a while since I have blogged. Things have been pretty crazy for me. I'm going back to school, my mom is living with my husband and I, plus I just got promoted at work. As you can imagine, things have been crazy. Good, but crazy.

Last night I asked my mother a question, and got a truthful answer. An answer I didn't like, but an honest one none the less. However, now, I am thinking of asking her to move out to put it nicely. I have supported and walked with my mom through hell and high water. I can't do it anymore. The strain her living here has put on my marriage, is unreal. My husband has wanted her gone for a while, but I'm her daughter. How do I pick between the woman you gave me life, and the man who completed my life? I couldn't. I still don't think I can. She is my mom. We have been together through thick and thin. I know when I "Ask her to leave", that we won't be speaking for a while. There are things that need to be said, that won't be taken well, by both parties involved. I'm lost. I'm confused. I'm mad, sad and angry. Mostly though, I'm hurt. We, (my husband and I) put ourselves out for her. We went out of our way to make sure she had a roof over her head, and this is how she repays us? Forget repaying us actually. We don't want anything in return but really? We get you out of a shitty situation and you just go right back to it? Talk about a slap in the face! Not to mention the fact that you have been everything BUT grateful since you moved in! You started complaining before we had even moved your things in! I'm so......ugh! I don't even know what I am feeling.

I'm lost. I'm fighting voices in my head, I never thought I would hear again. I feel like a failure. Like a horrible daughter. I keep saying it over and over again in my head. "Am I really doing this to her? My mom?". I feel like I'm lost in a sea of faces....

I hope someone can find me.